Summary:The first part of the “Louis fucked up big time on twitter and Harry doesn’t really know how to recover” series. aka Bullshit.
Trigger Warning: None
Harry was out to dinner when his phone started to vibrate. In an effort to not be rude he ignored it, continuing on with his conversations about Mumford & Son’s new album and the world tour he and the lads were about to go on. It wasn’t until his phone was vibrating so much that it tumbled out of his pocket that he thought to check it. When he unlocked it he saw all of the replies Louis had sent in the past hour, his heart clenched as he tried to convince himself that it shouldn’t hurt because he knows it’s not Louis, but there, to be archived forever on the internet, was Louis calling their relationship a big load of bullshit.
Harry didn’t mean to rush the rest of dinner, but with the tears glistening in his eyes and the croak in his voice when he tried to speak, his friends knew that he needed to leave. He paid the check and got in the Rover, taking the long way home. He drove around the entirety of London trying to collect his thoughts.
He didn’t want to be mad and he didn’t want to be hurt, but God he was both. Harry was surprised that he hadn’t crashed with the frequency he was reading back over the tweets. He settled on fury because those were their fans and they have supported them through everything and one of them had attempted suicide and it looked like Louis had given bullies a free pass to hurt the girls who loved their relationship so much.
He finally pulled into their complex and parked the car, resting his head on the steering wheel as he tried to summon the energy to go inside. Harry didn’t know what to expect and as per usual, he didn’t know what was Louis and what was management because the tweets kept going back and forth and by the time he got to the elevator Louis was begging to speak to Zayn instead of him. Zayn. Zayn. Zayn Zayn.
It was playing over and over in his head because wow, Louis had been gone for a while with Eleanor in America and he came back and he wanted to talk to Zayn. Zayn.
The elevator dinged and Harry watched as it closed, opting to take the stairs instead because a new anger had risen in him and he didn’t want to make it worse. He never wanted to make it worse because it was already so bad and they seemed so fragile. He walked up the steps shaking his head, fighting back the tears because this is what was supposed to happen, it’s expected. He needs to just man up and fucking take it, so he walked up to the door and placed his arms up on the frame, gently rested his head over the peep hole, and took a deep breath. Then he dropped his arms, took out his keys, and unlocked the door not knowing what he would be dealing with.
“I’m sorry. I mean. I didn’t. I wouldn’t. God,” Louis sobbed as soon as Harry walked through the door. “I didn’t mean.. I couldn’t stop…. I just… it wasn’t, it wasn’t me Haz. I swear.”
Harry steeled, not because he didn’t feel bad for his lover, but because this was exactly what he was trying to avoid months ago when he said they should start coming out. “Louis, I told you. I told you we should’ve come out. They are shitting on our fans Lou. They told the people who have constantly been there for us that they weren’t ‘true fans’ whatever the fuck that means.”
“I couldn’t. I can’t.”
“Right. Well then you shouldn’t be this mad about it. You shouldn’t be this mad about our relationship being treated like shit and our fans getting tossed to the wolves since you can’t.”
“You know it’s not that easy”
“Right. I know it’s not that easy. I know exactly that it’s not that easy because I’m going through the same fucking thing Louis. You’re supposed to be the strong one! You’re supposed to be the rock! How am I the one holding us up here when you’re supposed to be the foundation? What the hell is going on? Why aren’t you willing to stop this? What are you actually so afraid of?”
“Harry! I’m trying!”
“Which of those tweets were yours Lou? Tell me, which ones did you type out with your own fingers? Which ones were yours?”
“You don’t understand Haz, they weren’t. I didn’t mean to. I just.”
“Louis. You didn’t. Those aren’t all yours are they?”
“Harry! Stop! I just needed a break, I needed a fucking break!” Louis screamed, as his tears finally stopped falling. He wanted sympathy, not angst, why didn’t Harry get it? Why didn’t he see that Louis was protecting them? “I’m protecting us!”
“You are not protecting us,” Harry seethed. “Don’t you dare pretend like all of this is some valiant effort by a Knight in Shining Armor. You were a piece of shit today. I don’t know where that side of you came from, but it sure isn’t a part of the Louis I fell in love with. It isn’t the part of the Louis I know. You attacked people that were the same age as your sister. How would you feel if someone spoke to Lottie like that? How would you feel if there was something you believed, no matter how improbable it was, and someone, most specifically your idol, called you out and embarrassed you in front of the entire internet? Mostly, how could you tell the world that what we have is bullshit?”
“Harry,” Louis whimpered, reaching for the younger lad who was now visibly falling apart in front of him. “I’m sorry. I’m so.”
“No! Absolutely not. You’re not going to put on that voice and stare at me with those blue eyes and make me fall into those arms when you denied that you felt something for me to millions of people today. Millions. You denied our love to the entire fucking world Louis. The one thing I asked you to never do because I wasn’t sure if I could handle it. You broke your promise,” Harry paused, trying to settle himself and breathe regularly. “I don’t even know if you love me. I think you just like the attention. You just love that I love you so much. You just love that you get to indulge in every part of that side of you that you’re so scared of without having to deal with any of the backlash. You want me and you want my love but you want it on your terms and in the closet and in the middle of the night where no one can see so you never have to be embarrassed about it. I want it outside in public, while the sun is out and the people can stare and I can show you off like you’re the biggest fucking trophy I have, like I won first place because I managed to convince you to love me because I could never be embarrassed by it. But god, what we have here, what we’ve shown the media, might be faker than every Starbucks date you’ve had with Eleanor from the looks of your twitter. You should go into acting, you had me pretty fucking convinced I was the love of your life.”
“Do get a chance to speak now Harry?”
“No. I think you said more than enough today. If you need me. Nevermind, obviously you don’t need me because Larry is a bunch of bullshit right?”
“Don’t you dare fucking say fair. Bye Louis,” Harry sneered, leaving right back out the door he had just come in through. He caught the elevator this time, too angry to embarrass himself with tears. Part of him wished that Louis would chase after him, grovel, beg for forgiveness, but he wouldn’t. He never did. Harry was always writing up the peace treaties and throwing up the white flag, but not this time. This time Louis would have to make the grand gesture, show him that he actually loved the younger lad. Harry jumped in his car and started driving with no destination in mind.
He was already an hour east by the time Louis found that he could move. He had been frozen since Harry had stormed out the door, his only movement was to crumple to the ground like all the energy had been sucked out of him. Now incredibly aware that this is what it felt like to be left, abandoned — to feel useless, worthless, unloved. Louis didn’t know whether to start crying again or to throw himself off their balcony. Harry was gone. Harry was gone and he didn’t know where he was. Louis didn’t have to call, he knew Harry wouldn’t pick up the phone if he tried. He fucked up good and he didn’t know how to fix it. Louis heard his phone ring and even though his heart knew that it wasn’t Harry, he still sprinted to the phone with a sudden burst of energy.
“What the hell are you doing Boobear?”
“Have you seen Harry yet?”
“He, um, he just left mum.”
“Oh Lou. What have you gone and done this time?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I’ve done and I don’t think he’s going to come back. I broke my promise. I broke my promise mum and then I let him leave. I let him leave. I didn’t even call out to him. God I’m a fucking idiot. What do I do?”
“Well first, I want you to apologise to that 14 year old girl Lou. She was a baby, you picked on a baby. You picked on someone Lottie’s age and I love you, but Boobear, this was too far. No one is going to hate you if you come out, but if you continue like this, people aren’t going to love you anymore.”
“You’re not going to love me?”
“Oh, Louis. I’m your mum. I’ll love you no matter what you do, but it’ll never be the same way for your fans,” Jay cooed. “I know you love them. I know you care what they think, but boo, think how mad they got at you because you denied Larry. We got attacked by girls who love the idea of you so much that they fought back. They fought back and most of them didn’t even give up. They’re still there, waiting. Waiting for you guys. You were their light. Which makes no sense to me since they’re a bunch of teenage girls, but you lads together were their hope.”
“They’ll hate me. They’ll hate us. They’ll send us hate and they’ll tell us we’re disgusting. They’ll hate us and I can’t stand the idea of that. I can’t stand them hating something that’s so pure. Well, was pure, until I went ahead and told everyone it was bullshit.”
“You have to get him back luv.”
“I know. I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know how to live without him. He thinks I lied mum. He thinks I don’t really love him, that I’m ashamed of him, of us. I don’t understand why I’ve been so scared. It’s not like he was going to leave. I’m the older one, but he spends all of his time protecting me. He knows it’s all a façade. He always shines in the limelight. He always smiles a little too bright, touches a little too long, comes a little too close, so I don’t have to. I made him grow up and he grew up to be even lovelier than I could ever imagine and I’ve grown into someone he can barely recognize.”
“Then be the Louis he does know, show him that you haven’t lost yourself. You’re a good lad, you’re my baby and I love you so much, but I can’t love you the way he does. Lord knows if I was with someone who did some of the stuff you’ve put Harry through; I would’ve killed ‘em. You need to get him Lou. You need to get him because I don’t think anyone is going to love you as much as Haz does babe. I think you know that and I think he knows that too and that’s what hurts him so much. He’s been waiting for you, waiting forever; taking your punches and blocking you from the outside abuse.”
Louis sobbed, finally taking in the severity of the situation. Who finds their soul mate and treats them like shit? Louis Tomlinson, that’s who.
“I’m sorry. I’m here. I need to. I need to go mum. I love you.”
“I love you too Louis. Go get him boo.”
The moment they hung up the phone, Jay was dialing Anne. She knew that the other mum didn’t get on tumblr as often and Harry wouldn’t call, not yet. Anne answered, picking up the phone and answering cheerily.
“Hi Jay! I was just thinking about you and the girls, want to get together soon for dinner?”
“Anne, have you spoken to Harry?”
“No, what happened? Is he alright? Is Louis alright? Is everything alright?” Anne asked, frantic and hysterical.
“He’s fine, well physically. Louis didn’t something bloody awful today I’m afraid and I don’t know how Harry’s taking it. He’s not home, he left Lou there after a fight”
“Louis said some things he shouldn’t have on twitter.”
“Jay,” Anne prompted.
“He told off some 14 year old fan. Told them Larry was the biggest load of bullshit or something of the like.”
“Yes, Anne, I’m”
‘No. I have to go. I have to call Harry. I’m sorry Jay, but my son needs me.”
Harry was further east before he realised that of course he was heading home. Where else would he run to other than his mother’s arms? All he had for comfort was Louis and he wasn’t going to be there anymore. Harry turned up the radio and groaned as he remembered the last track he had playing in the car as the lyrics filled the air.
I’ve moved far away from you
And I want to see you here beside me, dear
But things aren’t clear
When we never even tried
We never even talked
We never even thought in the long run
Whenever it was painful
Whenever I was away
I’d miss you
I miss you
“You have got to be fucking kidding me Ed. If you weren’t so bloody talented I’d hate your guts mate,” Harry said to no one. He jumped when the shrill of his phone filled the car, surprised that he forgot to put it on silent and grateful that he decided to give his mum and Louis different ringtones.
“Oh, Harry. My baby, Jay called. I’m so sorry.”
“Mum, please. I’m fine. It’s fine.”
“Harry Styles, I know you aren’t fine, don’t lie to me.”
“Mum, you might want to believe me, at least for now. Unless you want me to have a mental breakdown and die trying to get to the flat.”
“You’re on your way home?!”
“I had nowhere else to go,” Harry confessed.
“How far are you?”
“Okay. Okay. I’ll see you when you get here. I love you. I’ll have a cuppa ready for you when you arrive.”
“Thanks mum. Love you too”
Harry focused on the road, swiping his eyes of the moisture that had been all too present during the car ride. He had never been more grateful that he took the time to take his driving classes. If he hadn’t been able to leave the flat, he wasn’t sure he would have been able to hold on to his sanity. Harry’s breaths evened out as he started to take note of the familiar surroundings; he was almost home. He gripped the steering wheel tighter and pushed down on the gas pedal a little bit harder. He needed to get out of the car, he needed a hug. He needed to cry. He needed Louis.