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Bullshit Part 2

Summary:The second part of the “Louis fucked up big time on twitter and Harry doesn’t really know how to recover” series. aka Bullshit.

Trigger Warning: None

Part 1

Harry sped until he saw the familiar streets in front of him that told him he was almost home. What should have brought comfort only brought more sadness, it was the first time in a while that he was heading home without Louis; the first time by choice since they met. He had never thought to question the immediate connection they had. It worked, it always worked, until it didn’t, so it’s come full circle and Harry is alone, one the verge of tears, pulling up to his family home.

            He got out of the car and stared at his phone for a moment, fighting over whether or not letting Louis know he was alive was necessary. Harry tossed his phone in the bag, deciding it wasn’t and walked up to the door. Before he could lift his arm to knock, the door flew open and Anne yanked her son into her arms. The instant Harry felt the comfort of his mum radiating on to his skin, he started to cry. He shook with the fury of his sobs as he finally let the pain come.

“Harry, come inside. They don’t need any pictures of you like this. Come on,” Anne pleaded, the pain seeping through her voice as she tried to drag her son into the house, but it was dead weight. Harry was exhausted and so done with his life.

“Sorry mum. Sorry,” Harry sobbed, standing up on his own and wiping furiously at his eyes. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”

“Harry Styles, don’t ever apologise to me for feeling.”

“It’s just. I don’t understand why mum. Why? Is he embarrassed of me? Am I embarrassing? Am I not good enough? What is it? What do I do to be good enough because I thought I fucking tried everything. I thought I gave him everything. I don’t get it.”

            Harry trailed off, staring at the floor as he continued to wipe at his eyes. He started to feel embarrassed because he was 18 and sobbing in front of his mother. Anne pulled him into another hug and Harry pulled away before he could fall apart again.

“Tea,” Anne propositioned, knowing that Harry was in the process of pulling away. She hoped to calm him down so they could talk. She knew how much the two lads loved each other, it was hard not to know. Sometimes Anne felt like she should take cues from her son sometimes when it came to love. It seemed to her that he and Louis were just naturals; they fell together so easily that sometimes she felt herself envious. Harry and Louis have something she never had, and probably will never have. It unsettled her, to be living vicariously through her son’s passionate relationship. Anne sat the tea down on the table. She had made it hot enough so that it would be the perfect temperature once Harry reached the house.

“Perfect mum.”

“Thanks love.”

            Harry tried not to chuckle as he noticed his mom used Twinings instead of Yorkshire. Louis brought it to the house with them one time and they both fell in love with it. Harry woke up countless mornings to see his mum and boyfriend sharing a cuppa. Yet, Harry noticed that she made both of them Twinings, ignoring her favorite for the sake of his well-being.

“You could’ve made yourself Yorkshire mum.” Anne blushed, failing to remember that her son was incredibly observant for a teenage lad.

“You weren’t supposed to notice.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t.”

"I’d do anything for you Harry, you know that right?"

"I know mum that’s why I came home, so I could feel cared for," Harry confessed, a little surprised that the words actually found their way out of his mouth. It’s not that the feeling is new; he’s felt like this for a long time. He just buried it because he felt like he wasn’t allowed to feel neglected.

Every time, he thought to complain, something came up about Eleanor and Harry and he was reminded that maybe life wasn’t so hard. Then again, that’s what everyone had been telling him, that he wasn’t really allowed to be sad because Louis had it so much worse. Harry didn’t really buy it. Louis got to go out and shop, which was one of his favorite things to do. Then on top of that, Louis didn’t have a problem with Eleanor as a person. He might not have liked what her job was, but they got on really well. The affection has always been awkward because the chemistry never was there. Sometimes Louis had to go on vacation instead of see his family, but Harry got to sit there and watch as pictures of his boyfriend surfaced on the internet. Louis got to do, while Harry had to wait. Harry had to watch.

Honestly, he would have preferred the beard. Harry would have preferred the shopping trips and Starbucks runs to just waiting.  He couldn’t wait anymore though. This tweet was the last straw. He wasn’t sure if he could leave Louis, but he would at the very least, stop suffering in silence.

Anne watched as the battle animated itself on Harry’s face. Her son’s pursed lips and creased brow told her that this was bigger than anything before. It made sense though — Harry had never let someone take up so much of his life before. There had been important people in and out of his life, but unlike the other lads, Harry hadn’t gone into fame with a best mate. No one ever got under his skin to reach his heart, so Anne was amazed when Harry came home with stars in his eyes and Louis on his tongue. When the older boy came home with Harry for the first time, Anne understood Harry’s affection. Louis had watched every move her son had made, love in his eyes long before they strolled into the house with their hands linked together. They’d spent the day on the couch curled up in each other.

When she and Jay spoke for the first time they’d agreed on the fact that they had never seen their sons be so willingly vulnerable. The changes were dramatic, Harry grew more dependent on Louis but he grew into himself as we’ll. Louis helped make Harry the cheeky, self-assured, sensitive young man he was today. Harry would hurt, horribly, if he let the older lad go and Anne couldn’t decide what would be better for the two. She loved them together more than she loved any of the men she had ever married. They taught her lessons in love and there’s just something there that makes them seem indestructible.

“He loves you, you know? He cares too.”

“I can’t tell. How can you tell? I live in the same flat as him and I don’t know whether or not he even likes me mum. Everything has been so shit. I can’t even begin to explain. I feel like I’ve been holding on to his hand and waiting for him to pull me up for ages now and he’s just left me there.”

“Maybe he can’t be arsed to show it Haz, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It means he’s an idiot, it means he’s human. It means like most people he can’t see how great he has it. But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care.”

Harry tried to let her words soak in, but he had enough of constantly losing this battle. He had a right to feel and he was going to feel for once. “Do you know how hard it is to be famous and supposedly loved by millions, but when you go home, none of that love is waiting for you? How I have four best mates, you, Gemma, Robin and still have no one? I have Paul, the other guards, Grimmy.  Yet, every night for the past few months I’ve been staring at the ceiling trying to wrap my head around the fact that no one was there to listen. The worst part? Louis always in bed right next to me. Always right next to me never noticing, or maybe he did notice and pretended he didn’t. I don’t know. But I haven’t gotten any support in a long time and it’s killing me. I’m exhausted. Every day I want to quit. I have enough money to change my name, move to the states, and find someone who cares, but I can’t because everything I love is in this country and everything I need is in a 175 cm lad who can’t be arsed to give a fuck about me.”

“Why wait until your breaking point? Why wait until you couldn’t control it anymore?”

“I wanted someone to care enough to notice mum. Actually, I wanted Louis to care enough to notice,” Harry replied, voice growing thick and heavy like the tears in his eyes. Anne didn’t respond, she recognized this as her moment to bow out gracefully because the truth was that she wasn’t with Harry all the time. She wished she could be, as his mum she wanted nothing more than to make him feel loved, but the loneliness he was feeling wasn’t something she could take care of for him. Harry missed the love of his life; he didn’t miss his mates, mum, sister, or stepdad.

“I’ll be watching telly if you need me love. Some show named Games of Thrones has captured my attention,” Anne said casually as she walked out of the kitchen. Harry stared as she walked away. He couldn’t help but smile because he’d been gone quite consistently for two years now and his mum still knew what to do no matter what mood he was in.

Harry took his stuff upstairs, taking a moment to glance around his room and reacquaint himself with the small space. It’s not that it wasn’t decent, but after living in a flat that costs over 2 million, almost everything was small now. He went to put his close away, but froze as he reached the closet.  There was no way he could reach in there to put his clothes away when Louis’ stuff was right there. He would want to take it out and snuggle it. Harry had completely forgotten about the extra clothes Lou left there just in case they ever made any impromptu trips. There had been a few times that things had gotten really heavy back in London, so Harry had whisked them both away to Cheshire. After the first time, when Louis couldn’t go out in public because Harry’s pants didn’t fit his arse, they had bought some clothes for emergencies.

Then Harry caved, he cut the act for the hundredth time that day and just started to bawl. He wasn’t sure where there hurt was coming from, but the pain wasn’t going away. It was heavy on his chest, flooding through his mind in a way that made him feel like he was having an out of body experience. He hadn’t realised how much he missed Louis, not just from the past day, but for a while now. He missed the fringed haired lad who couldn’t cook, couldn’t shut up, and couldn’t keep his hands of him. Yet, with the changes of his hair, his look, and his dynamic, Louis changed so much, Harry was afraid he would be up next.

Louis was making adjustments and Harry was bound to be the next one, it was the only way this could be explained. Harry was on his way out and Louis was being generous enough to make the blow lighter by completely and thoroughly treating him like shit. He was determined to not fall apart again. If Louis decided he was going to leave then he would let him. Harry started to understand that it would hurt, but he would have to push through it. He would have to pack up his shit, pick up and go. Harry stopped his thought process and just tried to relax.

Harry took out his laptop and opened safari. He went to open twitter, but thought better of it as he did just finished crying and didn’t want to alarm his mum again. The Mac in his lap whirred quietly as he stared at the blank safari page in front of him. He made the quick decision to click on tumblr, but suddenly scared for what he would see, he minimized the page. Harry groaned as the picture of him and Louis during one of the nights in with the lads filled his screen. It was from the previous month and if he was honest, it was the last time he felt loved or cared for.

They had ordered pizza that night; Harry intended on cooking, but Louis had walked into the kitchen, tossed the pots back in the cabinets and dragged the younger lad back to the couch. All the boys had smiled and greeted Harry, cheering Louis on for convincing him to not cook. Harry had blushed because Louis didn’t even have to say a word and he followed him blindly, but it was worth it because Louis tossed himself on the couch and brought Harry down with him. Louis was smaller, but Harry still enjoyed being nestled in his arms and having his face tucked into the crook of his neck. Louis had smelled like vanilla and home, it intoxicated Harry.

Although, what really had him bad was the addiction he had to Louis’ affection and attention. Every time the older lad pulled him a little closer or kissed him, Harry had to hide his face in Louis’ shirt to hide the tears glimmering in his eyes. The thought of the adoration he had for his lover constantly overwhelmed him. He would do everything to get that night back, to be surrounded by the familiar scent that reminded him of love and companionship and that troubled Harry, so he clicked on tumblr and watched his dashboard load. He preferred whatever great hell there was on tumblr to the personal hell he was creating with his memories.

Turned out that personal great hell was only fueled by tumblr; he scrolled through his dashboard and saw post after post of hate towards Louis. He kept on looking only to eventually come across hundreds of fans posting their leave from the Larry ship. Then like a masochist he still proceeded to look through tumblr just to find post after post of his fans devastated from a tweet that his boyfriend sent out. Yet, Harry was surprised to find that he was most affected by all of the posts that called Louis terrible things. The ones he saw that said Louis should kill himself almost made his heart break in two. No matter how much Lou pissed him off, he’s still human, and he’s still good. No one deserves to be told to die. Harry slammed his laptop shut and closed his eyes; at the very least he needed to sleep to figure his life out. 

posted 1 year ago with 1 note

  1. larrysexistentialcrises posted this